Mission Impossible: Rogue Nation – A Review by @hardlyrelevant

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Hey there!  This weekend I saw Mission Impossible: Rogue Nation.  The movie was even cooler than the title, if you can believe it.  You know how they say to never judge a movie by its title?  Well I’m a modern day cowboy who plays by no man’s rules, so I do it anyway.  This title sounded awesome, unlike the movie The Artist.  No thanks.  The last time I was in an art class, they made me paint some guy who was naked.  The teacher kicked me out because she said I was distracting the class by saying “ew” the whole time, but I know it was because I made his junk really small and he was embarrassed.

Tom Cruise (Oprah, People magazine) and his friends are back at it in this 5th installment of the Mission Impossible franchise.  They are tasked with saving the world from something called The Syndicate, which is as broad a term for an organization as anything I’ve ever heard.  Tom performs a number of awesome stunts in this film, like jumping down a huge tube of water and pretending it’s not the most incredible waterslide of all time, and also being able to sleep with a bunch of attractive women but not doing it.  He even hangs on to the side of a plane while it’s taking off!  In any other circumstance this would probably be considered an act of terrorism, but Tom Cruise is incapable of terrorizing anyone other than his immediate family and loved ones.

Most of the movie is Tom Cruise’s character Ethan Hunt getting mad at different things, which I can relate to.  Once a grilled cheese sandwich I ordered came with pickles when I’d specifically asked for none, and I really flew off the handle.  The police were involved, it turned into a whole big thing.  Tom Cruise is a notorious hater of any and all vegetables, so I know he would have been on my side.  I bet if I were as strong as him I could’ve gotten out of the police handcuffs, but I’m not.  How many weights do you guys think Tom lifts?  Like a thousand every day, probably.  He could beat up your stupid dad, I bet.

Things I liked about this movie:

  • Makes the Impossible Possible. You would think that since all of these movies are called Mission Impossible, Tom and his crew would sooner or later run into a mission that is, in fact, impossible.  But get this.  This mission wasn’t impossible AT ALL!  As if anyone could stop Tommy Cruise when he’s trying to save the world.  Dumb move, bad guys.
  • High-Octane Stunts. They say “the best things in life are free,” but the best things in life are actually stunts.  This movie has a lot of them, and high-octane ones at that.  I don’t know what Octane is, other than possibly a way cooler name for the Spider Man villain, Dr. Octopus, but Mission Impossible’s stunts are full of it.
  • Makes Tom Cruise Look Tall, and Sane. I always feel bad for Tom Cruise because he’s a little man, and a little crazy.  This movie does a great job of making Tom look like a normal sized human being, and an equally great job of making him look like a mentally stable person.

Things I didn’t like:

  • No Pooping Scene. One of my main gripes with movies is that they don’t show the characters pooping.  Tom Cruise does all his own stunts, and I think seeing him drop one on camera would be a riot.  Plus Tom would totally be down for that too.  He’s a man of the people, and the people want poop.
  • A Little Too Possible. I know I said that I liked how possible the movie makes things look, but I’d like to see a little bit of impossibility involved, just to keep the story credible.  Like maybe Tom has to name his child something normal, or go out in public without being overexposed, or not wear Oakley sunglasses.  There’s a real mission impossible.
  • Alec Baldwin. Alec Baldwin is a real piece of shit, and I hate him.  He’s also in this movie.  He seems like the kind of guy who owns 10-15 horses, just because.  Then he invites you over to play polo or some other horse-based game, and he makes fun of you for not being good at horses.  He’s a jerk, and I wish he died a painful death in this movie.

There you have it!  Overall, I give Rogue Nation five out of five guns (the laser tag type, not the arms).  See you at the movies!  I’ll be the guy looking for loose change in the lost and found.

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