Since there is nothing on TV in August except reruns and horribly doomed reality shows, I spend the time I would normally watch TV to check up on all of the hype and previews for upcoming Fall season. Here are my first impressions of the previews, hopefully sparing you from wasting the time I did.
Before we begin a few important notes:
- These are first impressions that basically help me decide what to record to my DVR. I did not do any research other than to read (well scan really) the show description and watch a preview video (if there was one), so my facts could be way off. Too bad, who cares, nyah nyah.
- I only dealt with the major(ish) networks. We all know we will all watch all the cool stuff on HBO and Showtime anyway. And Netflix and the other on demand services are all on demand so just watch whatever whenever you fuckin couch potatoes.
- I didn’t review any returning shows, this isn’t the fucking TV Guide. If you liked a show last year and it’s coming back you’ll probably watch it, and if you missed a good one you probably won’t watch the new season. So let’s just move on here.
- I did not review any reality shows because they fucking suck and I hate them. The only reality show I have ever watched is American Idol but only because I would live tweet it while drunk on frozen vodka. Reality shows should die in a fire and if you like them you should seek professional help immediately.
Okay here we go:
Linden from The Killing is a con artist investigator who gets conned by her fiancé (such IRONY) and goes on an elaborate con to get revenge while also solving other cons. I love Linden so I may watch this just for her (she looks fabulous in the preview). But this is an ABC drama so it will be heavy on overly dramatic emotions and Shocking Plot Twists™ like Scandal and How to Get Away with Murder and whatever other shitty shows they have that are popular but I don’t watch. I might try this to see if Linden can raise the acting up a notch but probably not.
Chang from Community is a wise-crackin’ doctor and family man who tries to be wacky and lovable while spouting insanely stilted horrible dialog in insanely stilted horrible situations. Woah this preview was insanely stilted and horrible. Maybe Chang can carry it but unless you’re super stoned or super dumb I don’t think it will last or be funny. It looks really really bad.
A kid who’s been missing for 10 years suddenly reappears and his politically motivated family has trouble dealing with it. The whole preview focused on the family’s reaction to the kid showing up and how it will disrupt their lives, instead of explaining what happened to the kid, and I don’t really care about the whiney shitty family and their selfish bullshit I want to know what happened to the kid. Fuck you whiney shitty family, fuck you to hell.
It’s the Muppets in prime time again, doing edgy-ish adult-ish meta-ish inside-jokes with lots of pop culture references and celebrity cameos again – you know, the Muppets. Personally I am on the fence about the Muppets but if you love the Muppets then you will watch this so good for you.
Of Kings and Prophets
Basically Game of Thrones disguised as a biblical story, or maybe a biblical story disguised as Game of Thrones. Anyway GoT fulfills my quota of weird people with weird english accents doing weird things with weirdly huge swords so i’ma gonna pass.
Blood & Oil
It’s basically Dallas with Don Johnson as JR fighting with a bunch of (way younger) hot dudes over hot babes and hot land. Meh
A bunch of FBI Recruits are going thru training camp and then all the sudden get accused of causing 911 or some weird-ass bullcrap that makes them hunted fugitives while searching for The Truth. Every single person on this show is fucking beautiful so the eye candy may be worth a look, but it’s on Sundays so it will lose out to the zillion other better shows on that night. I’ll probably stick with Homeland and skip it but if you watch let me know if they figure out if jet fuel can melt steel beams.
The Real Oneals
Virginia from Raising Hope is the mom of a supposed perfect catholic family that is not so perfect and Hilarity Ensues™ in this uncomfortable coming of age show. The preview was funny in spots but mostly just very very awkward, embarrassing and somewhat sad.
A remake of the movie with an african american cast to change it up. The preview did nothing for me but if you like a drunk uncle caring for clueless kids here you go.
A serial killer in the 80s is on the loose and cops try to stop him. It looks very 80s period and seems to focus on the killer instead of the cops (similar to The Fall on Netflix, which is good). Looks pretty tense with lots of close calls and twisty scare tactics but since this is ABC they will probably get too implausible with too many Shocking Plot Twists™ and also fuck up the 80s era with a bunch of non-80s references that will just piss me off.
A naked girl is found in a duffel bag with no memory & covered in tattoos and then she turns out to be a super badass who is the key to solving a whole bunch of cool crime stuff with some hunky FBI dude. The preview is awesome and NBC generally does stylish cool violent shit like this well so I am looking forward to this one. I sure hope it lives up to the great preview. I also really hope that the key to the whole mystery is a tattoo on her nipple.
The Carmichael Show
EVERYONE YELLS ALL THE TIME FOR THE WHOLE SHOW HOLY SHIT CALM DOWN YOU PEOPLE
I don’t watch Chicago PD or Chicago Fire, but when I catch them here and there they are decent mindless television. This is basically “Chicago Hospital” so I assume it’s exactly the same kind of predictable story with amazing looking, angsty professionals of varying ethnicities who save lives and fuck each other like rabbits. I look forward to catching this for the 3 seconds it takes to switch over to my DVR.
Yes that Coach, with Craig T Nelson and everything. I am excited that I get to not watch this the same way I did not watch the original. I wonder if they got Patrick the Starfish back too.
Empty nesters are upset when their hot grownup daughters move back in, and Hilarity Ensues™. Sigh, whatevs.
Apparently another OZ retelling. No preview yet and I’m curious to see what it’s about even though I will still totally skip it.
A hot blonde heart surgeon does cool risky surgeon stuff against all odds to save the lives of tragically dying patients. It looks a lot like any of the other jillion hospital shows except they seem to be focusing on the one brilliant-and-compassionate-yet-flawed doctor instead of the whole hospital staff. I totally get the feeling this was originally made for Katherine Heigl but she’s too much of a diva to work with so they replaced her with some other generic hot blonde. That’ll show her
Hell yeah baby bring it on! I fucking loved Heroes and don’t even care that it turned shitty so fuck all you haters. I want more and I’ll watch every god damned episode of this too even though the preview is all over the place and doesn’t look very good but so what it’s fucking Heroes dammit
Wesley Snipes hires a badass black-ops dude to pull off mission impossible style double-crosses to stop mission impossible style Vegas heists. The black-ops dude looks tough as shit and the SFX might be pretty fun and Snipes is a fucking douche whose eyes always look out of focus which I find hilarious.
Shades of Blue
Jennifer Lopez is a tough NY detective who has to haha has to hahaHAHAHAHAHAHA oh god JLo is a cop hahahaha i can’t even
Half hour comedy about workers in a WalMart-ish store. No preview yet but it’s from the people who did The Office so maybe it’ll be funny. I’ll keep an eye out for it.
Truth Be Told
A super well off white couple and a super well off black couple are best friends in the super well off suburbs, in this wacky suburban family situation comedy. Zack from Saved by the Bell stars. There is literally nothing of substance or interest here. I think I may have yawned once.
You, Me and the End of the World
A comet is going to destroy the earth and Hilarity Ensues™ in this hour-long comedy-drama (comdrom). There is no preview yet but it stars Rob Lowe, Tammy Two from Parks, and Pam from the Office so it could be pretty funny if it isn’t totally stupid.
Angel From Hell
Jane Lynch is a sassy smart talkin’ guardian angel who protects a cute doctor from herself in sassy & smart talkin’ (yet sweet) ways. The preview is actually pretty funny (and sassy & sweet) and everyone including Lynch is very likable. This could be a surprise sleeper if you like a heavy-handed message disguised as lighthearted fluff, but this is CBS so they will probably blow it and go for sappy over funny. I am not old enough for CBS shows.
Basically ER ramped up to 11. If you like lots of different people dealing with near death experiences and adrenaline-fueled panic in the most bizarre and gruesome ways possible then this is for you. To me this looks a lot like an NBC show, but I am assuming CBS will turn it into a weekly procedural like the rest of their shitty shows. I am not old enough for CBS shows.
Life in Pieces
A family comedy with James Brolin and a lot of other good actors that looks fine i guess but whatever. A big extended family of off-kilter stereotypes that goes through off-kilter slice of life stuff. I am sure it will have its funny relatable moments but I am not old enough for CBS shows.
“Inspired” by the movie, a dude takes a drug that allows him to access 100% of his brain power. The preview shows him using this limitless brain power to run across a busy street. Run. Across. A. Busy. Street. What the fucking fuck. You don’t need limitless brain power to know not to run into traffic, even a 3 year old knows not to run into traffic you fucking moron. Just wait the 30 fucking seconds for the fucking light to change you ridiculous asshat. Jesus H in a handbasket this made me so fucking angry. This piece of shit is a typical formulaic CBS procedural that will do great in the ratings with super old people and I will actively and vehemently ignore it because I am not old enough or stupid enough for CBS shows.
Actually the preview looks pretty good and seems to stay true to all the good parts of the Superman mythos. And the actress who plays SG seems to be very personable and relatable. I wanted to hate this but by the end of the preview I really kinda liked it. I am not a big Supergirl nut, but I might actually give it a try except I am not old enough for CBS shows.
A new animated show by the Family Guy people about ethnic families living near the Mexico border. If you like the other animated shows you will probably like this one too but to me it was trying way too hard to be relevant.
Uncle Jessie is a happy successful career bachelor whose life is turned upside down when he learns he has a grown son and baby granddaughter. Listen I love John Stamos just as much as the rest of the world but this looks horrible. Also: they obviously cast everyone in this show to be uglier than John Stamos so he would look hotter. It’s just weird and a little pathetic. Sorry Uncle Jessie.
Another show starring Rob Lowe, who plays a lawyer on TV and when the show is cancelled moves back with his brother Fred Savage, who is an actual lawyer. So you can guess what happens, Rob fucks with all of Fred’s cases and Hilarity Ensues™. The preview was short and lame but I guess if Rob is charming enough and Fred doesn’t only do exasperated brother stuff this could be fun.
The devil gets tired of Hell and moves to LA and opens a nightclub. No really. This is based on a comic by Neil Gaiman who is a terrific writer, but I’m not sure this bizarre of a premise will translate to TV (just like this year’s Constantine on NBC didn’t). I’m just not buying the whole devil with a heart of gold thing.
Future cops in the future fight crime using future tech and special see-the-future powers. Based on the Tom Cruise movie I think. The clips are very short so it’s hard to tell if it will be good or not but the sci-fi premise has potential to go either way cool or terribly idiotic.
A brilliant yet unorthodox male pathologist teams up with a tough-as-nails female detective to solve homicides in Miami. This is basically the same plot as 1000 other cop-with-a-quirky- partner shows. But wait the quirky dude is black this time so it’s totally original. Yawn
Basically a bunch of sorority sister stereotypes deal with some kind of serial killer and idk no one really cares or does anything about it for some reason or whatever. I really wanted to hate this horror comedy (horcom) but it looks so over the top and ridiculous that it might be a breakaway hit. Just sayin
Coming in January HELL YEAH BABY MULDER & SCULLY WOOOO
THE CW http://www.cwtv.com/shows/
Crazy Ex Girlfriend
Some kind of unstoppable fast-spreading virus spreads out of control and everyone panics and dies for no apparent reason. It looks just like that Contagion movie where Gwyneth Paltrow dies. I already have enough reasons to avoid human contact so I will skip this one.
DC’s Legends of Tomorrow
Another DC superhero show with very few details so far. CW does DC really well (Arrow and Flash are great even though I don’t watch them) but I probably won’t watch this one either. There are just so many hours in a day and something’s gotta give nome sayin
Fear the Walking Dead
Another zombie show, this time starting off before the zombie virus spreads. The preview looks pretty big budget but I may be numb to zombies at this point. I’ll prob watch it just like everyone else tho cuz we are all basically zombie show zombies. Premiere is Aug 23.
The Bastard Executioner
Another Game of Thrones clone where everyone once again talks in fake english accents and chops people’s heads off with impossibly large swords and other game of thrones-ish stuff.
I know this was on last year but this is an all new star-studded cast and an all new story so it’s worth mentioning. I for one am totally up for another round of weird-as-shit shenanigans in the frozen north.
So the Official FroVo Fall Season Scorecard is (sponsors take note):
Watch the Whole Season: Blindspot (NBC), Heroes Reborn (NBC), X-Files (FOX), Fargo (FX)
Watch the Pilot and Decide: The Muppets (ABC), The Player (NBC), Superstore (NBC), You Me and the End of the World (NBC), Fear the Walking Dead (AMC)
Watch the Pilot and Hate Myself For It: The Catch (ABC), Supergirl (CBS), Scream Queens (FOX)
Not Watch: everything else.