Halloween is the worst and being spooked sucks. I hate it. I hate being scared. I hate when you’re watching a movie and something jumps out from behind something. I hate eerie British ghost children. I hate witches. I hate anything with unfinished business.
All that creepy shit doesn’t stop everyone I know from loving Halloween and shaming me for not getting in the spirit. People can be really cruel if they find out you’re an adult who doesn’t like to watch anything where people are sneaking around and getting surprised.
If you’re anything like me you face the same problem. You’re tired of it. You want to avoid public embarrassment. Here is a list of movies that people love to watch on Halloween that you need to avoid at all costs because they will ruin your sleep until Christmas.
Earnest Scared Stupid (1991)
This 90-minute nightmare will literally make you piss your pants. It features a troll who turns kids into wood statues. Just writing that gives me the heebie-jeebies. Can you imagine if that happened to you? I can and I’d be upset. Luckily Jim Varney bonks his head on enough stuff throughout the movie that it takes the edge off, but still, I hate it.
Scary Rating: 9/10 skeleton thumbs. Way too scary.
The Flintstones Meet Rockula and Frankenstone (1979)
More like The Flintstones Meet Excuse Me? and Come-again-enstone!?! The Flintstones are supposed to be a safe place. Saturday mornings. Blankets. Not being at school. Why would you take something so wonderful/not scary and turn it into this extract of terror? A Dracula AND a Frankenstien?!? Together?!? It’s completely unacceptable if you don’t want to be scared. I hate it.
Scary Rating: 8/10 bats flying in through the chimney. Way too scary.
It’s the Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown (1966)
I watch the snoopies for two-and-a-half reasons.
2. Strong Christian undertones.
2½. Football bloopers.
One thing I don’t watch it for is GETTING THE SHIT SCARED OUT OF ME. This movie is a torturous march through a hell worse than any Dante could have imagined. Don’t be fooled by the adorable animation, most of this movie takes place at night. I hate it.
Scary Rating: 9/10 creaky doors at grandma’s house. Way too scary.
Bedknobs and Broomsticks (1971)
Take a good look at the poster for this movie. Does it look like at some point Nazis are going to fight against an army of ghosts under the command of a witch? No? Well buckle up, champ, because you are in for the scariest surprise of your goddamn life. This movie should be illegal. I hate it.
Scary Rating: 8/10 ghosts in a suit of armor. Way too scary.
Arrival of a Train at La Ciotat (1895)
You hear about this new thing called movies. You travel all the way to the city from your farm. You pay your hard earned money for a ticket. You take your seat and await the magic you have been promised. Suddenly, a fucking train is coming at you and you have nowhere to run. Oh, it’s just a movie of a train? TOO BAD I ALREADY DIED BECAUSE OF A HEART ATTACK BECAUSE I THOUGHT A TRAIN WAS ABOUT TO CRUSH ME!!! I HATE IT!!!!!!
Scary Rating: 10/10 trains running over you. Way too scary.