Anyone who has ever taken the truly magically journey of misery that is using a public men’s bathroom will know several things; forgetting to put the toilet seat down is the very LEAST of men’s toilet crimes. Yes someone apparently CAN piss on the entire ceiling, yes a hauntingly vast amount of dudes take a big ol’ smelly crap and happily leave without washing their hands, yes even the most debonair businessman on Wall St can make a sound like someone pelting handfuls of milk duds into a bucket of apple sauce and yes, old guys spend an uncomfortably long amount of time shaking the final drips out of their withered wee-pipes.
So, with the crystal-clear image of your grandfather’s ancient penis still fresh in your minds, I move on to my main point; how can YOU make your visit to the gentleman’s sin cupboard as painless as possible? The answer is speed and ingenuity – you need to be in and out before the smell has hit you and you’ve begun to subconsciously compute what on earth could be making said smell, or better still, avoid the entire place to begin with.
“but HOW can I do it quicker? It stings… and where else could I go?” I hear you cry. Luckily for you I have some suggestions which may help ignite your imagination and get you out of a potentially sticky situation:
The Space Jam
Go to the toilet in your pants as you approach the door, then simply remove your pants in one smooth and swift motion and casually basketball dunk them into the nearest sink. That’s a 3 pointer, folks.
The Kevin Smith
Wear ill-fitting shorts at all times and let sweet lady gravity do the rest. NB: this will only work for text book poops, do not attempt this if you have a severe case of the “Donald Ducks”, just trust me on this one.
The Risky Business
That right, just like the famous movie scene with Tom cruise only much much dirtier. What you want to do is sideways slide right on in there like it was the 1980s and you hadn’t gone completely bat shit insane yet. Personally I would start peeing before the slide and then just continue sliding all the way around the room and back out of the door for efficiency, it takes practice but it can be done. One important point to note here is, unlike the famous movie scene with Tom Cruise, you do not want to do this in your socks…
Do it on the bus
I mean, this one isn’t really a new idea; people have been going to the toilet on the bus for decades.
Get a dog
You can now pretty much shit anywhere you like and blame it on the dog, the perfect crime! Just do your ungodly business when nobody’s looking, you could even combine this with the Kevin Smith method for ultra stealth. Also remember to take some bags with you for cleaning up and cast disapproving looks at your pooch as pedestrians walk by for added effect.
The Ello Govnah
Just pretend to be British and you can pretty much get away with anything:
“Mommy why is that man peeing on the policeman’s shoes?”
“He’s British, honey”
Obviously this won’t work if you’re actually in Britain, in which case just pretend to be French.
The Mrs Doubtfire
I’m sure, like me, you already carry a backpack full of equipment ready to disguise yourself as a Scottish granny just in case you run in to your kids, but hold on, you could also use this to gain access to the women’s bathroom and drop your plops in the lap of luxury. Sometimes though it’s just not feasible to spend 3 hours applying latex when Mr Pooberry comes knocking at your back door, in which case it is possible to use the women’s bathroom without the suit and not get caught, just try not to get distracted as your marvel at the polished marble pillars and cubicles with working doors. If you do get caught just shrug and say “Obama am I right?” the Scottish accent is optional at this point but it can’t hurt.
Stop eating and drinking
I know what you’re thinking but did you know that consuming food and beverages is the primary cause of poops and peeps? I was shocked too but this was the damning conclusion of a recent scientific study from Japan and quite frankly I think more people should be aware of it.
So there you have it, you can now go forth with the confidence of a man who shall never again feel the salty tears of shame spattering his shoes, nor the anguish of accidentally glimpsing another man’s twig and berries. Unless you’re into that sort of thing, in which case I’ll see you on Tuesday at the usual place.