Don’t read this by @ElleOhHell


You didn’t fucking read this at all, did you. I knew it. I posted a link on a website and you saw the link and browsed right past it. Well I caught you this time, you little bastard. Yeah, I called you a bastard. What’re you gonna do? Remain ignorant of it? Yes.

Because you didn’t read this.

Maybe you didn’t see my tweet, sure, sure, and maybe something “must be wrong with your voicemail.” Yeah, nobody buys that one either, by the way.

Or hey, maybe you did see it and thought, “Hoo boy, click a link? To an external website?!” or “I don’t have time right now to read something longer than 140 characters. I’ll just come back and read it later when the link is 32,000 tweets down in my timeline. This is very likely to happen.”

Zing. That was irony. But you can’t appreciate it because you’re not reading it.

You know what else you’re missing by not reading material that isn’t a tweet or a Facebook post? Liberal use of italics, that’s what.

But that’s okay, you’re hardly to blame. The internet has conditioned us to only pay attention in ten-second spans. Even if you are reading this, you’re probably not even reading this.

If you are reading this, I apologize for wasting your time. The password is brollyknockers.

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