Hi my name is Corbin, and I’m here to tell you that everything you’ve seen on shows such as Man vs. Wild or Survivor Man is wrong.
First below I put a list of what makes me qualified to give you this information I am going to share with you.
-I went to Boy Scout orientation
-I got kicked out the second day of Boy Scouts for attempting to challenge my counselor to a death match so I could be come the Alpha.
-I punched a squirrel once.
-I made a bow and arrow out of a coat hanger.
-while making said bow and arrow I cut my finger and only cried for 3 minutes.
Now that that’s out of the way let’s begin. I’m sure you always heard that you should stay calm if you find yourself in a survival situation, well that’s wrong. Why the hell should you be calm? You most likely are going to die. So the first thing you should do is to immediately begin panicking and run in any random direction until you pass out from exhaustion. After waking up you need to take in your surroundings and begin to formulate a plan of escape. So you should find the largest animal you can find and beat it into submission and ride it as a mount (do NOT name or befriend the animal I will explain why later). So after you have your trusty steed begin to ride it in the same direction that you chose earlier. After a few hours of riding night should begin to fall. And the temperature begins to lower. I hope you didn’t befriend your animal companion because you’re going to have to go Han Solo on its ass. Cut open said animal and spend the night cuddling it’s gross guts. If you aren’t rescued by the time you awake I’m afraid to say the you are indeed screwed. Natural selection has spoken and your bloodline is weak.
Well now that you have this crucial information you’re slightly less likely to die a horrible death. And now you are ready to take on the wilderness!
If you have any questions you can put a letter and 3 dollars in a bottle in the closest large body of water (it will reach me if you truly believe).