Why Do People Insist On Shopping Vintage? by @tomipuff

Eugène_Atget,_Boutique,_Marché_aux_Halles,_1925

I have never found a nice item of clothing at a vintage store. You want to know why? There are none! You want to know how I know? I HAVE MADE SOME SERIOUS RESEARCH. I dove into the website of one of Sweden*’s most popular vintage store, and you’ll never guess what I found! (the answer is crap. I only found crap). Let me show you why I get upset when my stupid friends tell me that they find lots of “gems” and “unique clothes” at vintage stores.

*that’s where I live. but trust me, vintage clothing is just as shit wherever in the world you choose to look.

1

Our first item today is a regular ass t-shirt with some Florida crap written on it. There’s like five billion of these on the website. Nobody cares. Anyway, there’s nothing inherently special about this basic tee. Except the fact that it costs $20. It’s someone’s 20 year old t-shirt, and to get it, you have to pay twenty dollars. I always thought the point of second hand was to get good things for cheap? Or was that before the era of asshat mid-20’s working with PR who makes way too much money?

2

Okay, real talk here for my girls. Have you ever worn a bathing suit that you’ve owned more than five years? You know how they break and are generally disgusting? That thing where the fabric gets all weird in the ass area? Well, ladies, now you can get that, except more! This glorious mid 1990’s bathing suit with a “striking floral pattern” (yes, you heard me) is great for someone who wants to spend $18 on something incredibly old and uncomfortable! But don’t worry. It comes with a built in bra. *WOW*! So your boobs will stay in place when you run around on the beach looking like an annoying asshole.

3

This is a, according to the website, “Casual Black Shirt”. It is $27. No, I’m not joking. The description on the website reads “Fabulous black & red 1990s (circa) multi-print casual shirt with contrasting panels and one pocket.”. There are many words I would use to describe this shirt. Fabulous is not one of them. This looks like something Comic Book Guy would wear on vacation to visit his parents in Wisconsin – except he wouldn’t pay more than like five bucks for it. But hey, if you want to look like a washed up copy of what I imagine Adam Sandler looked like in the 1990’s, go ahead. Spend your hard earned cash on this dumb shirt with the “multi print” and the “contrasting panels”. Maybe you can wear it if you want to cosplay the Eye of Sauron.

4

Do you miss feeling like an outcast at your middle school disco? Do you want to spend a lot of money on feeling like that again? Look no further! Here’s a striking “1980’s party dress”, yours for only $3fucking6! Wear it to a party and no self respecting adult will talk to you! But screw ‘em – make friends with small children instead. Wearing this dress, they will think you’re one of them. I don’t have a problem with navy blue glitter sequin dresses in general. I dig them. But what the hell is going on here? With the neckline? With everything?

5

$32. For this curtain ass looking thing with a black whatever in the middle. Whatever in the hell that thing is supposed to be. Looking at this thing actually makes me upset. Who pays for this? What the heck!!!!! MY GRANDMOTHER WOULDN’T EVEN WEAR THIS AND SHE IS DEAD

6

Okay you know what, the hell I’m ever gonna wear this, even if someone paid me. What the hell is this? Isn’t this supposed to be on someone’s dinner table? If Beyoncé gave me this and said “Take this as a token of my everlasting love. I made it with my own hands” I’d not even politely decline, I’d just leave. This is unacceptable. Oh, and did I mention it’s like $27?! Fuck this stupid earth

7

What in the fuck hell? This is $55!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AND LITERALLY GUYS THIS ISN’T EVEN A DRESS, IT’S A PLAYSUIT WHICH MEANS THAT WHITE FUCKEN THING AT THE BOTTOM IS PANTS!!!!!!! IT IS PANTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

THIS IS WHAT A BRAIN ANEURYSM LOOKS LIKE

WHO WOULD BUY THIS

FUCK THIS I’M OUT GOODBYE

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