I Was A Star Wars Extra by @SirEviscerate

Robert_Falcon_Scott_by_Herbert_Ponting

Oct. 23, 2015

Dear Journal,

You won’t believe what happened to me today! Remember a while back how I told you about the Campbell’s Soup contest where whoever mailed in the most limited edition Darth Vader Chicken ‘n’ Stars soup can labels could win a part as an extra in Star Wars episode VIII? Well…

I WON!

I am SO excited! I told all my co-workers and my online friends about it, and they’re super jealous. In just 6 WEEKS they’re flying me out to an actual film set! I’ll get a real costume and make-up, and meet the director and maybe even a few of the actors! I’m the envy of every Star Wars fan in the galaxy!

*****

Dec. 7, 2015

I’M HERE! Two days ago, I packed up all my winter clothes and hopped on a plane! I sure wish they’d have told me ahead of time they were filming in Western Australia. I guess this scene takes place on a desert planet. It is easily 105 degrees out here, and no one will let me take off my costume.

My costume, if you want to call it that, is a set of thermal underpants made from coarse ram’s wool. Instead of a mask or makeup, they just haphazardly smeared manure on my face. It really looks and smells awful, and I might die of hydration, but it’s totally worth it. Sometimes you have to suffer for art, right?

Whoops! I’m being called to the set! I’ll let you know how it goes. I know if you could talk to me, you’d say BREAK A LEG!

*****

It’s now 9 hours later. We probably would’ve shot a few more takes, but like an idiot I passed out and they needed to give me IV fluids. They said I’d have to pay out of pocket for that, because I don’t have a SAG card.

I got to meet the director, Rian Johnson! He was such a cool guy. He took time to explain that because of a studio secrecy agreement, he couldn’t tell me WHY my character’s role is to stand in the background and repeatedly punch an infant ewok in the face, but he assured me it was integral to the plot of the film. I wanted to make a good impression, so I punched the baby ewok as hard as I could.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw two men walking on camera wearing the iconic costumes of Han Solo and Luke Skywalker! My knees started shaking I was so excited! It turns out they were just stand-ins, though. Mr. Johnson said they didn’t have the budget to pay Harrison Ford and Mark Hamill to fly out to Fuckall, Nowhere, so they were going to CGI their faces onto the stand-ins. That makes sense, I suppose, but I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t a little disappointed. Maybe it’s for the best. It’d be so embarrassing to meet my heroes with poop all over my face.

During the last take I can remember before almost dying, the Han Solo stand-in gave me passing glance while walking by, and said “Boy, that guy sure sucks.” Mr. Johnson said he usually has a strict policy against stand-ins ad-libbing, but the line was so spot-on that he’d ask “Harrison” to dub it in later. Imagine that! Harrison Ford in a recording studio, talking about ME!

I just got word that they have everything they need, and “it’s a wrap” for me. They said I didn’t even have time to change out of my costume because the cargo plane flying me home was leaving in a few minutes. So, gotta go! See you back in the States!

*****

May 29, 2017

Dear Journal,

Star Wars episode VIII premiered this weekend. Part of me was hoping I’d be invited to the big Hollywood event, but I’m not surprised I wasn’t asked to come.

If you’ve been on the internet at all in the last 72 hours, then I guess you’re aware that my scene made the final edit and was included in the theatrical version. Everyone is talking about me all over Twitter and Facebook. According to the official Star Wars wiki, Jar Jar Binks is now the second most hated character in the entire saga. Guess who is #1.

It’s probably because it’s never really explained in the movie why I’m punching the baby ewok. I guess Rian Johnson accidentally edited that part out. It didn’t really seem to be necessary to the plot at all. I was just a guy punching an adorable infant for no reason.

Other possible explanations I have read online include the fact that I’m “disgustingly sweaty”, “alarmingly fat”, and “covered in what looks exactly like shit”.

I’ve always heard there’s a high price to pay for immortality. Boy, were they ever right about that!

 

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