I like Halloween. I really do… so I don’t want this to come off like I’m some old foggie but I don’t think I’m the only one to notice that Halloween has gotten TOO spooky.
Now before you dismiss this accusation, you should know that I’m no prude. I’ve been known to put up a few spooky bat decorations, but these days I see some pretty intense stuff out there. I’m talking about witch decorations, mummies, even skeletons! Really? Skeletons!? A skeleton is essentially a dead person! A person SO dead that their flesh and vital organs have vaporized! I’m sorry but that crosses the line from spooky into SCARY! Would you put your dead grandma’s rotted corpse on your front lawn and call it “cute?”
No, you wouldn’t.
Levels of spookiness continue to skyrocket every year. I’ve seen neighbors cover lollypops with toilet paper so that it represents an undead specter. Oh yea, that seems like a great idea! I go to reach for a delicious candy when I get the jeepers scared out of me cause it’s a freaking ghost. No thank you! I prefer to keep the jeepers inside of me, pal.
Luckily, I think we can tone down the spookiness of this Halloween with some simple rules:
- No Skeletons
- I’m okay with a few ghosts I guess, but no ghouls!
- Also no goblins. A goblin is just a quicker sneakier ghoul. The only goblin I should see on Halloween should be someone dressed like a cartoon cat “gobbling” up some candy. LOL
- No spooky doorbell noises. C’mon, do you really need to scare the daylights out of me before you even open the door?
- No Almond Joys
- Put a post-it note on your door that says what you are dressed as. That way I can decide if I want to knock on your door or not. It says you are dressed like a construction worker? Sure, I’d like to Halloween with you. It says you are dressed like a F’ing Werewolf? Um, I think I’ll try next door instead as you are obviously more interested in giving me nightmares than candy.
- No teenagers allowed. Sorry teenagers, I am already scared of you without you wearing a freakin Freddy mask. You have to sit this one out. (This rule especially concerns the teenager BMX crew that hangs around my apartment building).
- Stop adding Os to words to make them spookier. Like saying, “Ghoooossts.” It’s like, are ghosts not scary enough already? Is anyone saying, “Hey, know those things that are lost spirits of dead people who wander the earth terrifying everyone in their path, how can we make them scarier?”
- If you are going to cut a face into a pumpkin, no triangle-eyes. I happen to love pumpkins and I’d appreciate if you didn’t turn them into the scariest thing I’ve ever fucking seen!
- Lastly, Halloween will take place during the day… on December 25th and we will exchange gifts instead of terrorizing each other.