No I don't want to go to a haunted house for fun, I'm scared by like 500 normal things every day
— audrey farnsworth (@audipenny) October 7, 2015
[1908 board meeting]
exec: what are we gonna call this cookie?
nabisco's time-traveling robot: HYDROX, CALL IT HYDROX pic.twitter.com/SEdStqb4YP
— men's pantsuit (@menspantsuit) October 7, 2015
Every time somebody jokingly says, "Houston we have a problem," it actually gets reported to mission control so please stop its expensive
— Pastor Bert? (@Pastor_Bert) October 4, 2015
dad, I think a ghost is in my room
-the ghost in the scary movie I said not to watch?
-well good luck. that thing's freaky. goodnight
— Andy H. (@AndyAsAdjective) October 7, 2015
8. All you do is:
⚪️ win (no matter what)
🔘 all of the above
— ceeks (@70Ceeks) October 8, 2015
"In summary, we Pee from the Penis. Why do we not Poop from the Poopnis?"
The scientists raise me & carry me. "POOPNIS POOPNIS", they chant.
— McC (@MattMcC1) October 3, 2015
Ghosts: We want to haunt you
Ghosts: First, we need to do a credit check
Me: I don't…
Ghosts [checking]: Jesus, dude
Me: I know
— Jason Miller (@longwall26) October 9, 2015
Trying to fit in at this Boys Club, but my paper mâché penis is becoming more and more suspicious the longer we shower together.
— spacegirl incognito (@iamspacegirl) October 7, 2015
WAITER: And for you sir?
ME: [to date] Would you be impressed if I ate a whole chicken?
ME: [to waiter] Two whole chickens please
— Joe West (@joejwest) October 4, 2015
The ghost in the upstairs apartment died learning how to walk in heels so you can imagine the fucking racket it makes
— umami skeleton (@Merman_Melville) October 7, 2015