Let’s just cut to the chase, here: I am fat. I was fat all my life until I lost weight in a very rapid and unhealthy way after high school, and then eventually gained it all back after I decided to temporarily be okay with myself for a while. So here I am, fat again.
Typical selfie, my hair is 90% of the photo and about 30% of my face is hidden.
Now, I know what you’re going to say:
A) You’re not fat.
B)There’s nothing wrong with being fat.
And, every time I’ve ever been in your shoes, reading about someone talking about themselves being fat, my response has always been option b) “THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH BEING FAT.” This is something I wholeheartedly believe. There is nothing wrong with being fat. But here’s where it gets tricky:
I fucking hate myself for being fat.
At least I have for a long, long time.
My life is a constant diet, a constant workout routine, a constant apology for being a work in progress. And the truth is, I am working extremely hard on my body by exercising and attempting to eat right, because it makes me physically feel better and helps my overall mood. (In fact, I recently won a wellness challenge at my gym!) But, that’s neither here nor there, because I’m here to talk about why I’m a big, fat hypocrite.
As I have gained more followers on Twitter for jokes I have written, I decided I never wanted to be another faceless person on the Internet. So, I post selfies. I post selfies because, if we’re being honest, I like my face and it makes me feel better about myself to get external validation, since I am so horribly inadequate at validating myself. But there are a couple things that anyone can notice about my photos: they’re only of my face, and usually I look thin.
Rejected selfie. I like my sheep sweatshirt but there was just no way to look full-on pudge in it.
I carefully comb through zillions of selfie attempts, finding which one makes me look the thinnest and prettiest. You may be thinking “Well, duh, everyone does that.” Yes, I know everyone does that. But why should I be so meticulously curating an image of a thin, pretty girl, when I so emphatically preach that everyone around me should love their bodies? Even as I’m sitting here trying to figure out which photos to use to show you how I really look, I am still trying to choose the ones in which I look the smallest. Please excuse me while I punch myself in my hypocritical face.
As I use dating apps, I tend to get a lot of matches with the photos of my face. Then, when a person I’m interested in asks me out, I give a long, drawn out explanation of why they probably won’t even like me in person because of how I look but that I promise I’m working on it blah blah BLAH. I’m done. I’m sick of it. And you know what? Everyone I’ve actually agreed to meet from a dating app has told me that my explanation was unnecessary (and, I assume, probably more of a turn off than the weight thing).
I was so excited and proud to win this challenge. But, I refused to even let this photo be visible on my Facebook page because I didn’t want it to shatter the image I’d created for my online friends.
So, I don’t want to hide anymore. I don’t want to carry around the constant disclaimer: “I’M FAT BUT I’M WORKING ON IT I PROMISE.” No, I want to finally put my money where my mouth is and live unapologetically. The one and only apology I want to make from here on out, is to anyone who has ever listened to me preach body positivity, while I hid behind the guise of the Internet and a carefully curated (and somewhat deceitful) image.
Now if you’ll excuse me I’m going to share a pizza with my dog and not apologize for a damn thing.