The Watcher by @SirEviscerate

Some car troubles had left me short of funds, and so one evening last month I found myself browsing through the Craigslist ‘Help Wanted’ section, hoping to pick up an odd job so I could make rent. Buried within the ads trying to find skilled workers for yardwork, house painting, and other undesirable manual labor, …

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Spoiler Saver by @SirEviscerate

Narrator: If you’re anything like me, you live a busy, jet-setting lifestyle full of adventure, intrigue, and danger, and have to record all your favorite shows on DVR to watch at a later time. There’s no denying that the DVR is an amazing invention, but it has opened the door to one of life’s greatest …

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The Unusual Dr. Harvey by @SirEviscerate

[Scene: int. Psychiatric Hospital, a doctor’s office lined with expensive looking books]   Nurse Danger: Good morning, doctor.   Dr. Harvey: Ah, hello! Any new cases for me today?   Danger: One, but I don’t think it’s anything too serious. He says he’s got “nerves”. Probably just run-of-the-mill anxiety.   Harvey: Hmm. Did he come …

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Autism Awareness Month by @SirEviscerate

My daughter Sophie was a perfectly normal baby, and by 12 months of age she was hitting all of her expected developmental milestones, and starting to speak. She would surprise us sometimes, speaking in nearly complete sentences, or muttering “10, 20, 30, 40, 50,” as she’d heard on her TV shows. Around 18 months, she …

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Alien Autopsy by @SirEviscerate

[RECORDING BEGINS] My name is Dr. Arnold T. Gargus. It is currently 2130 hours EST on the 24th of February, 2015. Earlier this afternoon I was walking along a local seaside beach, and I discovered what I believe to be the body of some sort of alien life form. I could tell from a brief …

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Sofa So Good by @SirEviscerate

I’m not going to bother you with all the details of how exactly it happened, but at 6 years of age I was inadvertently betrothed to a large, black sofa. At the time, of course, I had no idea what that meant. From time to time, my father would show me a photo of the …

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Great Speeches as Tweets by @SirEviscerate

A great speech can do amazing things. It can bring about social change, inspire wars and revolutions, and bring encouragement and comfort to millions. It can also bore you to tears. In the age of Twitter, no one has time to listen to hour-long orations, no matter how golden-tongued the speaker may be. Brevity is not …

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Paleo-Art by @SirEviscerate

  Selected Works of Paleolithic Art, With Notes from Paleontologist Ethan Dumfries and The Original Artists Dumfries: This profile of a horse scratched into a fragment of rib, originally called the Ochre Horse, but now more commonly referred to as the Robin Hood Cave Horse, was discovered in Britain in 1876. It is thought to …

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Blood is Beautiful by @SirEviscerate

The old maxim says “write what you know,” and after four years of college and seven years working in a hospital laboratory, I know blood.   Did you know that blood can be used as more than a gratuitous special effect in Tarantino movies or nourishment for vampires? It’s true!   For much of man’s …

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Floor 12½ by @SirEviscerate

  I look down at the little girl, her blue eyes brimming with tears.   “Oh, hey, please don’t cry,” I say in as calm a voice as I can manage. “Everything will be fine. I know you can’t see her, but I’ll bet your mom is right behind me. Can you be brave?”   …

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Love Coupons by @SirEviscerate

Everyone wants to make their significant other happy when the holidays come. Seeing their bright smile and the twinkle of love and gratitude in their eyes when they open the perfect gift from you is a perfect moment; a moment crystallized in time you can treasure your entire life.   Except you fucked up. You …

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The Hard (Candy) Truth by @SirEviscerate

(Scene: A mad scientist’s laboratory in a gothic castle. Electrodes pop and beakers of strange looking liquids bubble and smoke. The ancient looking DR. WERTHER is hard at work on his newest invention, aided by his youthful ASSISTANT.)   Dr. Werther: I’ve done it! At last! Haha!   Assistant: You made a hard candy.   …

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Podcast Rider by @SirEviscerate

Congratulations!   My client, Ray [REDACTED], (aka @SirEviscerate), has agreed to make an appearance on your little podcast.   Mr. [READACTED]’s wit, charm, and humility are in very high demand, and it is no small honor that he has deigned to be a guest on your show.   We will contact you to make arrangements …

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Singles Day by @SirEviscerate

The biggest online shopping day of the year isn’t Black Friday or Cyber Monday. It’s November 11, or 11/11, a holiday known as Single’s Day in China.   It was conceived by a group of college students in the mid-90s as a day for the unattached to celebrate themselves. A middle finger to Valentine’s Day …

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Dissonance and Bias by @SirEviscerate

Boy, do people hate being wrong. It’s embarrassing, frustrating, and makes you feel stupid. That discomfort and stress you feel when you find out you’ve made a mistake has a name: cognitive dissonance. You’re pro-gun and a statistic shows a child is 10 times more likely to accidentally shoot himself in states with open carry …

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Not In My Lab by @SirEviscerate

I’m not a violent man. I would just as soon settle an argument with a discussion over a cold beer than with a fight. If was going to be completely honest, I’d say that unless my opponent was a nine year old girl, any kind of fisticuffs would almost certainly end with an instantaneous beatdown …

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Your Move, Waffle House by @SirEviscerate

Waffle House has been a staple of Southern cuisine for as long as I can remember. A 24-hour diner style restaurant, its greasy, low-priced grub is popular with both the Sunday afternoon church crowd and 2 a.m. drunk rednecks alike.   A favorite at Waffle House is their hash browns, which can be ordered plain, …

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Sidney “Silk” Stalkins by @SirEviscerate

(What follows is a 1996 MLK Day article by Detroit sports writer Rich Pablum.)   Skint Knee, a poor neighborhood on the outskirts of Motor City, is well-known for producing successful professional athletes. Since 1950, they can claim 24 NFL players, 7 MLB players, 15 NBA players, and even MLS superstar Quentin Clemens. Yet, somehow, …

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Microsoft Purchases ‘Minesweeper’ for $2.5 Billion by @SirEviscerate

     Microsoft stockholders are fuming over the news that their $2.5 billion acquisition from Swedish game developer Mojang Studios was not the wildly popular world-building social media sensation ‘Minecraft’, but the low-tech, decades old, point-and-click logic game ‘Minesweeper’. “When Microsoft approached us about purchasing ‘Minesweeper’, we sort of assumed they meant ‘Minecraft’”, said ‘Minecraft’ creator …

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Time Travel Advice by @SirEviscerate

Thank you for purchasing the HawkingCo HGW1895, the world’s first personal time travel device! This product is safe, easy to use, and fun, but please take a few moments to read through this instruction manual before attempting to use it.   The HGW1895 runs on solar power. Be sure to charge your device for at …

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Bill Watterson Interview by @SirEviscerate

Like many children born in the late 1980s, I grew up reading the comic strip Calvin and Hobbes, drawn by the brilliant Bill Watterson. The fantastic stories of the imaginative young troublemaker and his “ferocious” tiger never failed to entertain and inspire. When the strip’s run ended in December 1995, it felt like part of …

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Ask Wikipedia by @SirEviscerate

We are all fortunate to live in an age when the answers to any question you might have are literally at your fingertips. Wikipedia is an enormous repository of human knowledge, a Bacchanalian feast of facts both profound and trivial for all the world to enjoy.   To provide an example of how useful Wikipedia …

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