Types of Wine by @1followernodad

  Merlot: This is a smooth wine. Very few chunks. Lovely to give to your mom. What’s that T doing there, though, huh?   Cabernet: This is a rowdy wine. This wine is the equivalent of someone who has gotten a little bit fired for their actions at a company holiday party before. Like that …

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31 Fresh Date Ideas by @1followernodad

1.     Stare at a big dumb lake. It’s free.  2.     Share your real feelings about each other’s mothers.  3.     Take all of the throw pillows in your house and make a giant pile and then piss directly on them.  4.     Become financially independent. 5.     Put up your dukes.  6.     Make a list of complaints about the Who Wants to Be a Millionaire franchise.  …

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Selfies by @1followernodad

This isn’t some grandiose defense of selfies because I really don’t think they need to be defended– anyone who hates on them probably has a sad, empty life that doesn’t need to be addressed anyway. But I just felt like explaining why I myself take so darn many. I’m not going to get up here …

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March Whoreoscopes by @1followernodad

Lirba: Your hair is a mess, but you’re trying to make it a “thing.” You run into your ex later in the month, which turns into a money making opportunity when you steal his wallet after being inspired by that new Will Smith movie.   Trashus: Like the name suggests, you are human garbage. Your …

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15 Ways to Attract A Guy by @1followernodad

  Tailor your clothes. Every women’s magazine has been telling you this since the beginning of time (or the 70s– whichever came first). These are facts: boys loathe girls in non-tailored clothing. Ever sit around with a group of guys where the conversation hasn’t turned to hemming? That’s right.   Remind nearby men what a …

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Compliments for Men by @1followernodad

21 Compliments For the Man (You’re Pretending Is) In Your Life: Men love compliments, too! Here are some good ones to throw your man’s way. Maybe he will end up complimenting you back. That’s what relationships are about. You look supple tonight. I think you could win in a fight against a mid-sized cow. You …

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Foreplay Ideas by @1followernodad

Cut up photos of your stepdad, Steven, together. Get sangria drunk and take turns “riding” the dog. (But don’t actually putting any weight on him). Each steak nachos together until you can barely move. Hold the sour cream so that you stop short of actually being immobile and you can still fuck with your queso-filled …

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Whoroscopes by @1followernodad

This is your month, Lirrba. (I think). You are most likely not going to meet a man this month, but be sure to stock up on Genoa salami at your local Ralph’s. Not because it carries any significance but because it’s on sale. Remember to channel the bravery of your Uncle Trent when he encountered …

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